Things are going pretty well for me in general. Work is fantastic, I just bought myself a new car, I have some great friends and family, I'm getting fab grades at college and I'm close to paying off debts that have plagued me for a number of years enabling me to move house. So why do I still feel melancholy?
Without meaning to sound "bahumbug" about life, I'm tired of hearing about other people's happiness. Sounds really bitter doesn't it? Why is that? Naturally when great things happen to people they tell each other, and everyone else within earshot. With Facebook and Twitter having become a part of the everyday life, it's a fact that people will also use these platforms to spruik their happiness - so everyone hears about it. Daily.
Which is great, for them. The only downside of this for me is that with every new engagement, pregnancy, new house, or wedding announcement, comes a wave of sadness at what I don't have. Don't get me wrong, I'm supremely excited for these friends who have such exciting times ahead or at the moment, and I'm the first person to shout my support or congratulations to them - and it's genuine. I don't begrudge other people's happiness. I don't think it's jealousy either, it just makes me feel sad for the things that I don't yet have in my life that I hope to have one day. Sounds like jealousy. Hmmm.
Why does that happen when there are so many parts of my life right now that are so great and that I'm grateful for? The answer? Scar Tissue. It's something that once it's there, it will remain there forever. It comes in many forms, broken bones and ligaments, or broken hearts and feelings. Whatever the initial pain, the scar tissue is always there leaving that part of yourself more vulnerable than the rest.
Which begs the question do we ever really heal completely? Quite possibly not. But hopefully we evolve and move forward and grow. Would I have so much trouble moving on from the ex if I didn't marry him and allow myself to envisage my future so vividly with him? Maybe. Will I ever know? Nup. Frustrating? Absolutely.
That's the worst part of living with scar tissue. You know that you've almost healed as much as you can from something on your own and now you need something else to assist you. Only you don't know what or who that thing is until it appears. You can't look for it because it's not something you find, it just is the thing when it is. You can't search for something you don't know about.
The past is a nice place to visit but you wouldn't want to live there. It's better to look forward and try actively to head in that direction, even if your car stalls a little on the way there.
Lucky for me I just bought a brand new one, so hopefully my episodes of stalling are few and far between from here on in...
xo
