It's going to be a big year. Friends keep telling me to stop talking about the fact that I turn the big 3.0 but I don't talk about it because I'm afraid of it, I think I'm looking forward to celebrating it. I've learned so much over the last decade none of which I would want to change, and the lessons I've learned I put into practice every single day. It's a good thing.
From a divorce I've slowly made my way back to a really great place and I have strong family and friends to thank for that. It hasn't been easy but in a couple of weeks I am completing the last piece of my short term puzzle and I'm sincerely excited about it. As I've talked about here before, I'm a planner. I'm comfortable planning. It's never been a bad thing for me. I respond well to boundaries and even if my plans change I like to have one.
One thing I know not to plan for is relationships. Of all kinds. I got married. It didn't work out. This happens to a lot of people. They're an exhausting thing, relationships. When it comes to the variety of relationships with men, I'm tired of thinking about them. I'm tired of thinking about the one I had that didn't work out. I'm tired of thinking about the one I want to be in that doesn't exist. And I'm tired of thinking about the one I might have been lucky enough to find myself in if I had the right timing at the moment, but I don't.
The thing I'm coming to learn about myself is that I have incredibly poor timing when it comes to men. You can't get better at that. It isn't something you plan for, it's more like flying through the window of opportunity at exactly the right time by accident. Unfortunately I've managed to fly straight into it right after it closes in recent years. And it hurts. Kind of like when you see a bird fly into a plate glass door and you hear it crack it's beak? Like that.
But I'm not going to worry about it anymore. Although I said earlier here that you can't tell someone what your resolutions are because you're dooming yourself to fail, I'm stating mine here. I'm not going to think about relationships anymore. I have enough going on outside of them in the rest of my life that to continue thinking about them all the time is too time consuming and mentally all encompassing. So I stop.
Plus when you do that nothing ever happens anyway, it's like watching the kettle waiting for it to boil. I never thought I would be in the position that I'm in at the age that I am. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it really. I sometimes ask myself why my personal life wasn't more simple, or neat and tidy. Then I think about other people I know who's lives seem all simple and neat and tidy when what they are is comfortable, complacent and indifferent. I'm happier where I am rather than being in that kind of situation.
So for 2011, I wish myself courage, strength and opportunity. I want to take on the world and win. There's no reason why I can't, so I figure I'm going to damn well try.
And I'm looking forward to it.
xo
