Off Balance

I know I've mentioned before that after leaving a relationship you can be overcome with feelings in the most unexpected of places. I have to say that even though I'm aware of this, it always manages to surprise me.

My life has taken a huge turn in the last couple of months. Since my divorce went to court, I started a new job and a new career in the hope that it would make a real difference to how I live my life and essentially how I feel about my future. I'm happy to say that as far as that part of the plan, it worked!

I found an amazing company to work for, I work with great people, work on great accounts and my work weeks have now started to absolutely FLY by. I have more time to catch up with friends and as a result my social calendar has at least doubled in size. It's a great thing (apart from my concern that I may indeed age very quickly!), I really feel l like I'm in a great position and look forward to the future.

Part of my plan was to get fit, and look great in the hope that it will only further enhance my feelings of happiness. I joined a gym a couple of months ago and have managed to get there much more often than any other gym membership I've had so that was a pleasant surprise. Along with this a friend of mine asked me to join an indoor netball team. Great! I thought, I've been wanting to get back into playing a team sport for aaaaaages.

It was something I would have liked to have done while living overseas however not being from where I lived and with very little help from Rich (much as I asked for it) I struggled to know where to go. This team fell nicely into my lap so it was an easy decision to say yes. I haven't played netball in 16 years, pretty much since I got to high school and discovered basketball where you could run with the ball and rip it out of your opponent's hands which seemed way more fun.

Anyway so it had been 16 years since my last game and I wondered before we started if I would remember the rules. I'm pleased to say that I did. Another thing that happened though was a little more disappointing. I'm an avid watcher of sports, with my ex I was known to get up in the middle of the night to watch a boxing match, and I have always really enjoyed watching any previous partners play team or solo sports.

Given my performance history, who would think I was a show pony?! As everyone started to arrive last night it occurred to me that at my last game of a team sport it was probably my Mum watching, and as boyfriends accompanied their girlfriends on my team I felt really really sad. Coming to watch me play netball would have been something that Rich would have genuinely loved. The thought made me really really miss him. And the life we would have had here together.

For the first time in awhile. I've gotten pretty good now at blocking out my previous plans with him and focusing on my new solo endeavours but like I said earlier, sometimes a really sharp lonely feeling will hit you so hard it's enough to make you feel off balance. I certainly don't begrudge my friends their loving boyfriends but I guess seeing them come along to support them only reminds me of how I'm on my own again and how there's no one there for me, just because they love me.

The feeling doesn't last forever but it's enough to knock the wind out of you, or was that me gasping for breath showing my supreme unfitness at my first game of sport in a good long decade?

Here's hoping sometime soon me, and my team, start winning.

xo

True or false: Men are retards?

So, after writing this blog for a little while it has come to my attention just how many people are in my position. Or a worse position.

I have over the last few weeks, heard some of the most horrendous break up stories I think I've ever heard and most of them involve the man having no balls. Why is that? Why is it that men can't seem to just own their feelings and share them in a way that means you can leave a relationship with some dignity?

Honestly, the stories I've heard make me feel like what I went through was a walk in the park. I admire other women out there who deal with such horrible circumstances with such grace and self poise. I know in some of my previous relationships I haven't been quite so much that way....

It begs the question, how do you identify a decent man sometimes? I know love is a risk but once you get to be in my position after having been in a few relationships over the years, you get tired of dealing with a man's bullshite.

More to the point, how are you supposed to meet men these days? In the 18 months since I've been back from the UK I haven't been asked out on a single date. Granted, for a lot of that time I wasn't in the right frame of mind and I wouldn't have wanted to go even if I was asked. As per one of my previous posts I am indeed very happy on my own however if I was asked out now by someone of interest I would likely say yes.

After venturing back out into the Sydney social scene over the last few months it has come to my attention just how many dickheads there are moronically trying to pick up women like a bunch of retards. I came across this again last night. I was out with a couple of girlfriends for a friend's birthday and the bar appeared to be full of bogans that had no idea how to have a grown up conversation with a woman.

As we were accosted by the same guy for the 2nd time (he'd already had a go at chatting me up on the way back from the Ladies and also tried it on with my friend at the bar) my friend asked him "do you know Natalie Bassingthwaite on So You Think You Can Dance? What's she like?" and when he replied "Awkward" my friend then pointed at him to let him know that was exactly what he was.

She then went on to inform him that he should try this "Hi, my name is XXX. Can I buy you a drink?" It was at that point that I began to wonder how men can think that sidling up to a bunch of girls in a bar, drunk as you like and talking absolute crap at them, can lead to anything other than a roll of their eyes and if their lucky instead of complete ignorance they'll be granted a polite "you can leave now."

The problem with dressing up and going out looking fabulous (as we clearly did last night) is that you don't attract the decent guys, you attract the morons who like to punch above their weight and think they have nothing to lose so try to get your attention with really bad pick up lines and idiotic conversation.

Another fantastic example last night was when this same friend who pointed out the awkwardness of the first individual, had a great conversation that went like this:

My friend: "Excuse me" (as she tried to pass him with a handful of drinks)

Dickhead #2: "What? Did you fart?"

Um SERIOUSLY?! Are we 10 years old? Fark me, if that's the kind of conversation I can look forward to having in bars in the future I might as well stay home and eat chocolate in my Pjs getting on it on my own with a good bottle of wine....

Until next time....

xo

Lonely Mondays (and Tuesdays and....)

This past weekend, I woke up feeling lonely. For no particular reason, the day was no different from any other it was just a feeling I had. Some people would say go out and find some friends to hang out with or get out and do something but when I feel like this it tends to be the opposite. I like to retreat into my bubble and wait for the feeling to pass. It does. Eventually.

While in this bubble of mine on the weekend I did what any normal woman would, I indulged in retail therapy. Half of it was pre-meditated, the other half not so much. I bought the most expensive watch I've ever bought in my life, and a custom made couch for a house I don't yet live in. Interesting.

I had a thought process with the watch. Firstly I hate cheap looking watches. When it comes to accessories, I'm not the kind of person who has eight pairs of cheap sunnies and five handbags I switch between depending on my chosen outfit. I buy one pair of expensive sunnies every 2-3 seasons, I spend money on one handbag that I'll use for a couple of years (my current bag is almost 3 years in) and likewise with watches. However, the watch I currently have was in fact a wedding present from my ex-husband. It was engraved. It was sentimental. It was time for it to go.

In moving on, keeping sentimental items like that I don't feel is wise. I should re-phrase, wearing not keeping. I shall no doubt keep my old watch just not wear it. It will go into the box along with all things wedding (invitations, photos, hen's day mementos and the like) and there it shall stay.

It will come as no surprise to most of my friends that I have decided to mark my new life with an extravagant purchase, I like nice things. Always have. Always will. That's the charm of me.

In doing this, I was taking advice from a friend who had recently said to me that I should buy something just for me. I feel like I earned it, plus it was on sale. Which when spending that amount of money on a Swiss watch, does in fact "save" me hundreds. I was excited once I'd handed over the credit card but I didn't quite feel the same sense of euphoria I normally feel at such a pleasant dose of retail therapy, and I'm not sure why.

My melancholy feeling carried over to Sunday. It kind of felt like a hangover you can't shake off. I decided to accompany my Mum to a homemaker super centre to help her look at rugs, as I hadn't been to this particular place before I was quite looking forward to it. I love homewares, I think partly because I've never really had my own place. I've always lived in other people's houses with other people's things and I yearn for a place to call my own.

So a few months ago while furniture shopping with a friend I came across a fantastic daybed style couch in Freedom. It was on sale but I did my best to ignore it as I had nowhere to put it and no prospect in the near future of that ever changing. I went looking for it in Freedom on just so I could show it to Mum and see what she thought. I never expected for it to be on sale again. But it was. So were the custom fabrics. That, combined with the fact that they said they could "push out the delivery time" to allow for the fact that I didn't really need it just yet meant that I was an incredibly easy mark for that sales girl to reach her target that particular Sunday.

So I bought my first piece of furniture. It was exciting, and I'm really looking forward to seeing it in my house come the end of the year. But still this sad kind of lonely feeling stuck around. Until today. It still hasn't left me but it seems to be softening round the edges.

The kid I bought my watch from reminded me of my ex brother in law. Now living with a partner's sibling is trying at the best of times, but at the same time you start to think of them as you're own sibling. I'd never had a brother, and I'd always wanted one (granted I wanted an older brother, but beggars can't be choosers) and so I enjoyed having him around (until he inevitably irritated me and inconvenienced my life like true little brothers can). Seeing this kid on the weekend made me think of how when you break up with someone you often lose other relationships by default, that you would have otherwise liked to have kept.

With my ex being from the UK, we don't really have too many mutual friends, however in most relationships that isn't the case. Custody of friends during or after a break up is often a sore point for both parties and friends often get caught in the middle. I have to consider myself lucky that I don't have to deal with this like so many people do. I missed my little brother, so I sent him a message. I don't expect a reply, not because he's the type to ignore me but I know he doesn't spend much time on social networking media.

In my last post I talked of being ignored by my ex, I did in fact get a message on the day he received his divorce certificate like I knew I would. However the tone of the message felt different, there was a finality to it. It felt kind of like a goodbye.

I initially didn't write back because I was tired of essentially bashing my head against a brick wall. In that message he also told me that he's been offered a new job. Knowing how important this was to him I struggled not to send back my congratulations. I struggled until 5 days later when I sent a very simple message saying congratulations on the job to which, surprise surprise, I got no response.

I think perhaps that may be the reason for my upset. It feels like we've said some unspoken goodbye which makes me feel incredibly sad. I still miss him. Or as a friend of mine says I miss the "idea of him" not him as the person he is.

Maybe she's right, maybe she's not but I can only hope that this lonely hangover subsides as the week wears on....

xo