While in this bubble of mine on the weekend I did what any normal woman would, I indulged in retail therapy. Half of it was pre-meditated, the other half not so much. I bought the most expensive watch I've ever bought in my life, and a custom made couch for a house I don't yet live in. Interesting.
I had a thought process with the watch. Firstly I hate cheap looking watches. When it comes to accessories, I'm not the kind of person who has eight pairs of cheap sunnies and five handbags I switch between depending on my chosen outfit. I buy one pair of expensive sunnies every 2-3 seasons, I spend money on one handbag that I'll use for a couple of years (my current bag is almost 3 years in) and likewise with watches. However, the watch I currently have was in fact a wedding present from my ex-husband. It was engraved. It was sentimental. It was time for it to go.
In moving on, keeping sentimental items like that I don't feel is wise. I should re-phrase, wearing not keeping. I shall no doubt keep my old watch just not wear it. It will go into the box along with all things wedding (invitations, photos, hen's day mementos and the like) and there it shall stay.
It will come as no surprise to most of my friends that I have decided to mark my new life with an extravagant purchase, I like nice things. Always have. Always will. That's the charm of me.
In doing this, I was taking advice from a friend who had recently said to me that I should buy something just for me. I feel like I earned it, plus it was on sale. Which when spending that amount of money on a Swiss watch, does in fact "save" me hundreds. I was excited once I'd handed over the credit card but I didn't quite feel the same sense of euphoria I normally feel at such a pleasant dose of retail therapy, and I'm not sure why.
My melancholy feeling carried over to Sunday. It kind of felt like a hangover you can't shake off. I decided to accompany my Mum to a homemaker super centre to help her look at rugs, as I hadn't been to this particular place before I was quite looking forward to it. I love homewares, I think partly because I've never really had my own place. I've always lived in other people's houses with other people's things and I yearn for a place to call my own.
So a few months ago while furniture shopping with a friend I came across a fantastic daybed style couch in Freedom. It was on sale but I did my best to ignore it as I had nowhere to put it and no prospect in the near future of that ever changing. I went looking for it in Freedom on just so I could show it to Mum and see what she thought. I never expected for it to be on sale again. But it was. So were the custom fabrics. That, combined with the fact that they said they could "push out the delivery time" to allow for the fact that I didn't really need it just yet meant that I was an incredibly easy mark for that sales girl to reach her target that particular Sunday.
So I bought my first piece of furniture. It was exciting, and I'm really looking forward to seeing it in my house come the end of the year. But still this sad kind of lonely feeling stuck around. Until today. It still hasn't left me but it seems to be softening round the edges.
The kid I bought my watch from reminded me of my ex brother in law. Now living with a partner's sibling is trying at the best of times, but at the same time you start to think of them as you're own sibling. I'd never had a brother, and I'd always wanted one (granted I wanted an older brother, but beggars can't be choosers) and so I enjoyed having him around (until he inevitably irritated me and inconvenienced my life like true little brothers can). Seeing this kid on the weekend made me think of how when you break up with someone you often lose other relationships by default, that you would have otherwise liked to have kept.
With my ex being from the UK, we don't really have too many mutual friends, however in most relationships that isn't the case. Custody of friends during or after a break up is often a sore point for both parties and friends often get caught in the middle. I have to consider myself lucky that I don't have to deal with this like so many people do. I missed my little brother, so I sent him a message. I don't expect a reply, not because he's the type to ignore me but I know he doesn't spend much time on social networking media.
In my last post I talked of being ignored by my ex, I did in fact get a message on the day he received his divorce certificate like I knew I would. However the tone of the message felt different, there was a finality to it. It felt kind of like a goodbye.
I initially didn't write back because I was tired of essentially bashing my head against a brick wall. In that message he also told me that he's been offered a new job. Knowing how important this was to him I struggled not to send back my congratulations. I struggled until 5 days later when I sent a very simple message saying congratulations on the job to which, surprise surprise, I got no response.
I think perhaps that may be the reason for my upset. It feels like we've said some unspoken goodbye which makes me feel incredibly sad. I still miss him. Or as a friend of mine says I miss the "idea of him" not him as the person he is.
Maybe she's right, maybe she's not but I can only hope that this lonely hangover subsides as the week wears on....
xo
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