I'd be lying if I said this didn't hurt, it's expected I suppose but it still hurts. Truth be told I've been sliding down that slippery slope from the second I set foot on that Qantas flight back to Australia. But there's something about "hope" isn't there?
As chicks, in relationships we tend to never be able to close a door until it's inevitably closed in our face. Or is that just me? I've always had a hard time letting people go. Even if I had a large hand in walking away. I'm a planner. I like direction. I like boundaries and I respond well to them. Don't confuse this with boring because I also enjoy the idea of doing what you want, when you want depending on where your mood takes you.
I enjoyed having direction in my life with my husband. I loved making plans with him to travel and buy property and eventually start a family. It's taken me a long time to get my head around the fact that he's not coming back. It's a very confrontational thing to have someone pledge their love to you for the "rest of your life" and then a mere 7 months later have them seemingly change their mind in the most unexplainable way.
It leaves you with many questions and most of them revolving around the "why?"
What happened? What did I do? Where did it all go wrong? Are just some of the questions I asked him. And myself. And my Mum. And my friends. And also probably some poor unsuspecting strangers who happened to enter and leave my life during the past 18 months while I've been trying to figure this out. To those poor souls I apologise, to everyone else it's a small price to pay for having such a spectacular person in your life yes?
I'm happy to say that I am definitely getting there. I suppose having the divorce become "absolute" is the last slit of light in the door frame being closed off. Once the divorce is granted, it takes one month and one day to become "absolute". I presume this is just in case in the 12 months you've waited to file for divorce in the first place, you all of a sudden decide after it's been granted to change your mind.
In a way as much as I fantasised about the aforementioned magical reunion, I knew deep down that it was never going to happen. To be honest, if it did, I'm not sure I would have had the strength to say no. Before Christmas last year I actually had a moment where I offered him the opportunity to come out here to be with me. He was quite keen before he then mentioned something that completely changed my mind.
In my relationship with him, I've had a number of opportunities to let him go and I didn't. Most of my friends would say it was to my own detriment. I'm not so sure I agree, because I believe it was also to his detriment (and gain), however at this point I felt that I was in a place where I was about to once again give something up in my life to be with him and I wasn't so sure it was the best thing to do for us both. So I didn't.
I still miss him, but I know what I'm capable of so I said no.
And now I'm divorced. And I feel like I'm being ignored. I wish I was better at ignoring him back, but I'm not. Yet. Maybe one day I will. Probably when I'm ensconced in some fantastic new relationship with an impossibly good looking, incredibly secure man who wishes to plan a future with me.
But I realised on the weekend just gone that I'm reaching another milestone. I've just reached the place where I can honestly from the bottom of my heart say that I don't want to be with anyone right now. I want to be alone. I'm happy alone. I'm doing my own thing and am loving it. I love just making time to be with friends and be with myself and my family.
I have no room for a man in my life right now. I know one day I will but for now I'm just happy with myself.
It feels great.
xo
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