To say I started 2011 in a busy fashion would be rather an understatement. Having come out the other side of the busy period, it leads me to take stock of where I am right now. People who know me (I say that a lot don't I?), know that it's taken awhile (two years) for me to get to this point. Great job? Tick. Great apartment? (with great flatmate) Tick. Great friends? Tick. Financially stable (for now anyway) Tick. Promising future? Tick.
So why the uneasy feeling? It would appear that I have indeed spent the last two years wanting to get to a certain point. Now I'm here and I find myself asking "Now what?" I've always maintained that I'm a planner, always have been an probably always will be, it's a fact like 1 +1 = 2. It's not like I don't have things to look forward to because I do, I'm planning a trip to NYC for my birthday later this year and have a goal to finish my degree by the end of next year and am always striving to climb the professional ladder. So in terms of having things to focus on, I'm not in short supply.
My only thought is it has something to do with relationships. My last post was about me not wanting to spend time thinking about relationships at all (specifically the kind with men) and it would appear that I'm not doing so good with that. I feel torn by the idea of having a boyfriend and wanting to be on my own. I love being single in the sense that I like not having to consider anyone else before making a decision (something that appeals to my control freak tendencies) and I get a great sense of satisfaction by looking after myself.
The other side to that coin would be the part of me that loves having someone to look after and someone to look after me - on occasion. Case in point, I would have much preferred to have a man around to kill the giant huntsman that wanted to crawl into bed with me the other morning because I didn't enjoy being on my own for that much.
I often have conversations with people about this and I get the whole "I don't think you have anything to worry about" implying that I have a lot to offer and won't have trouble finding someone to go out with. The problem with that idea is that I am aware that people might want to go out with me, the issue is with whether I would want to go out with them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I have men lining up at the door but recent experience tells me that there is interest.
I read an article today about the eligible bachelor issue. The alarming tone of this article appeared to say that women who are considered to be "a catch" are much more likely to hold out for a better deal in the auction of eligible men, while women who don't seem to have as much to offer bid more aggressively and therefore end up settled down sooner. So the women who are "a catch" are all left in their thirties with only men who are flawed in some way to choose from. This article did not leave me feeling wonderful. Surprise? Not so much.
I don't believe in settling. I know a number of people in relationships, either sealed by marriage or otherwise who would probably be much happier if they called a spade a spade and went their separate ways. Why do they stay in these relationships. Fear? Apathy? Denial? All of the above? One thing I am sure of is that being in a relationship like that, is no way to live or love.
I'm not one for Valentine's Day. It's a commercial ploy to get lovesick people to spend their hard earned cash on romantic fodder in an attempt to spread "love" around. I don't believe in saying "I love you" because marketing says you should. How very bahumbug of me. Patience is not my strong point, but when it comes to love I don't have a choice. I have faith so will just keep on keeping on until I'm lucky enough to be struck by cupid again.
Here's hoping those little cherubs know my new address...
xo
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