Unvalentines Day.

So, it would appear I haven't had a lot to say for a little while, which isn't completely true I've had plenty to say I just haven't shared it on here. Plenty has happened, I've moved house, been part of two weddings, visited Bowral, Ellerston and Canberra (albeit for a day trip, nothing of Canberra was seen on said trip but nonetheless I was there) and completed some exams at college.

To say I started 2011 in a busy fashion would be rather an understatement. Having come out the other side of the busy period, it leads me to take stock of where I am right now. People who know me (I say that a lot don't I?), know that it's taken awhile (two years) for me to get to this point. Great job? Tick. Great apartment? (with great flatmate) Tick. Great friends? Tick. Financially stable (for now anyway) Tick. Promising future? Tick.

So why the uneasy feeling? It would appear that I have indeed spent the last two years wanting to get to a certain point. Now I'm here and I find myself asking "Now what?" I've always maintained that I'm a planner, always have been an probably always will be, it's a fact like 1 +1 = 2. It's not like I don't have things to look forward to because I do, I'm planning a trip to NYC for my birthday later this year and have a goal to finish my degree by the end of next year and am always striving to climb the professional ladder. So in terms of having things to focus on, I'm not in short supply.

My only thought is it has something to do with relationships. My last post was about me not wanting to spend time thinking about relationships at all (specifically the kind with men) and it would appear that I'm not doing so good with that. I feel torn by the idea of having a boyfriend and wanting to be on my own. I love being single in the sense that I like not having to consider anyone else before making a decision (something that appeals to my control freak tendencies) and I get a great sense of satisfaction by looking after myself.

The other side to that coin would be the part of me that loves having someone to look after and someone to look after me - on occasion. Case in point, I would have much preferred to have a man around to kill the giant huntsman that wanted to crawl into bed with me the other morning because I didn't enjoy being on my own for that much.

I often have conversations with people about this and I get the whole "I don't think you have anything to worry about" implying that I have a lot to offer and won't have trouble finding someone to go out with. The problem with that idea is that I am aware that people might want to go out with me, the issue is with whether I would want to go out with them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I have men lining up at the door but recent experience tells me that there is interest.

I read an article today about the eligible bachelor issue. The alarming tone of this article appeared to say that women who are considered to be "a catch" are much more likely to hold out for a better deal in the auction of eligible men, while women who don't seem to have as much to offer bid more aggressively and therefore end up settled down sooner. So the women who are "a catch" are all left in their thirties with only men who are flawed in some way to choose from. This article did not leave me feeling wonderful. Surprise? Not so much.

I don't believe in settling. I know a number of people in relationships, either sealed by marriage or otherwise who would probably be much happier if they called a spade a spade and went their separate ways. Why do they stay in these relationships. Fear? Apathy? Denial? All of the above? One thing I am sure of is that being in a relationship like that, is no way to live or love.

I'm not one for Valentine's Day. It's a commercial ploy to get lovesick people to spend their hard earned cash on romantic fodder in an attempt to spread "love" around. I don't believe in saying "I love you" because marketing says you should. How very bahumbug of me. Patience is not my strong point, but when it comes to love I don't have a choice. I have faith so will just keep on keeping on until I'm lucky enough to be struck by cupid again.

Here's hoping those little cherubs know my new address...

xo

Break = Break-up?

It's a common thing to hear among people who are going through a break-up. "We're on a break."

I was having a chat to a friend earlier this evening and we were discussing the demise of a mutual friend's relationship and the fact that when he decided to call it off he fed her some bull about them being "on a break."

This begs the question, do people ever come back from one? I racked my brains and tried to come up with a memory of when I had heard about a couple having a "break" and then getting back together and living happily ever after. Granted, sometimes couples will completely break up only to reunite years later and go on to create a mutually beneficial life together. It doesn't usually happen when someone decides they want out and they try to spoon feed their soon-to-be-ex with some story about how they just "need a break."

If someone feels the need to have a break from their relationship then chances are they aren't going to be able to fix it while the other hopes desperately everyday that they will reunite. While they try to sort through their thoughts and time ticks away with the question "have you had enough time yet?" continually ringing in their ears.

Chances are there is something fundamentally wrong that is unlikely to be fixed by a few boys/girls nights out without the other half and just being on a "break" instead of actually being invested in the relationship.

This friend I was chatting to earlier recently had this happen to her, after 6 years of commitment and planned future together he turned around and said he needed a "break."

She called me and immediately asked "seriously, what IS that? Surely a break is just a soft way of saying a break-up?!"

I replied that while I hated to admit it, I believed she was right. Nevertheless the following 6+ months that followed involved her very painfully being patient while he tried to work out what was going on in his mind all the while hoping and praying that he'll snap out of it. He didn't.

She then broke up with him. I'm sure if you're reading this then there are many of you who are thinking that it sounds familiar. Many people have their own version of the same story. I do, and I also hung around hoping that things would get better. After doing the same as my friend above I realised I was worth far more than just waiting for Mr X to decide whether or not he did in fact want to be with me. I learned from that.

Love is a risk, you put your heart out there knowing there is a possibility that others won't look after it as well as you would but it's worth it to feel what it is to love and be loved if you're lucky enough to find it.

As the age old saying says, "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

I don't presume to know everything about relationships as no-one does. I've been in a few, some good, some great and some really just not healthy. The most important thing I've learned is my self worth. I don't put up with being treated in a way less than I deserve as I give a lot in my relationships and expect the same in return. Even my ex-husband would say that I was "one of the most loving and giving people he'd ever met" but even he admitted that he didn't appear able to give me what I deserve.

It was with his realisation, that he confirmed what I already knew deep down, that it wasn't going to work.

Not all break-ups are so obvious, some of them come out of left field like my earlier mentioned friend. In this case, all I urge people to see is their own worth and to respect themselves enough to not settle for anything less....

xo