Unvalentines Day.

So, it would appear I haven't had a lot to say for a little while, which isn't completely true I've had plenty to say I just haven't shared it on here. Plenty has happened, I've moved house, been part of two weddings, visited Bowral, Ellerston and Canberra (albeit for a day trip, nothing of Canberra was seen on said trip but nonetheless I was there) and completed some exams at college.

To say I started 2011 in a busy fashion would be rather an understatement. Having come out the other side of the busy period, it leads me to take stock of where I am right now. People who know me (I say that a lot don't I?), know that it's taken awhile (two years) for me to get to this point. Great job? Tick. Great apartment? (with great flatmate) Tick. Great friends? Tick. Financially stable (for now anyway) Tick. Promising future? Tick.

So why the uneasy feeling? It would appear that I have indeed spent the last two years wanting to get to a certain point. Now I'm here and I find myself asking "Now what?" I've always maintained that I'm a planner, always have been an probably always will be, it's a fact like 1 +1 = 2. It's not like I don't have things to look forward to because I do, I'm planning a trip to NYC for my birthday later this year and have a goal to finish my degree by the end of next year and am always striving to climb the professional ladder. So in terms of having things to focus on, I'm not in short supply.

My only thought is it has something to do with relationships. My last post was about me not wanting to spend time thinking about relationships at all (specifically the kind with men) and it would appear that I'm not doing so good with that. I feel torn by the idea of having a boyfriend and wanting to be on my own. I love being single in the sense that I like not having to consider anyone else before making a decision (something that appeals to my control freak tendencies) and I get a great sense of satisfaction by looking after myself.

The other side to that coin would be the part of me that loves having someone to look after and someone to look after me - on occasion. Case in point, I would have much preferred to have a man around to kill the giant huntsman that wanted to crawl into bed with me the other morning because I didn't enjoy being on my own for that much.

I often have conversations with people about this and I get the whole "I don't think you have anything to worry about" implying that I have a lot to offer and won't have trouble finding someone to go out with. The problem with that idea is that I am aware that people might want to go out with me, the issue is with whether I would want to go out with them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I have men lining up at the door but recent experience tells me that there is interest.

I read an article today about the eligible bachelor issue. The alarming tone of this article appeared to say that women who are considered to be "a catch" are much more likely to hold out for a better deal in the auction of eligible men, while women who don't seem to have as much to offer bid more aggressively and therefore end up settled down sooner. So the women who are "a catch" are all left in their thirties with only men who are flawed in some way to choose from. This article did not leave me feeling wonderful. Surprise? Not so much.

I don't believe in settling. I know a number of people in relationships, either sealed by marriage or otherwise who would probably be much happier if they called a spade a spade and went their separate ways. Why do they stay in these relationships. Fear? Apathy? Denial? All of the above? One thing I am sure of is that being in a relationship like that, is no way to live or love.

I'm not one for Valentine's Day. It's a commercial ploy to get lovesick people to spend their hard earned cash on romantic fodder in an attempt to spread "love" around. I don't believe in saying "I love you" because marketing says you should. How very bahumbug of me. Patience is not my strong point, but when it comes to love I don't have a choice. I have faith so will just keep on keeping on until I'm lucky enough to be struck by cupid again.

Here's hoping those little cherubs know my new address...

xo

Dating diaries....

New age dating. Something I'm still getting my head around. Especially the online version. Having spoken to a large number of people about the difficulties associated with meeting people that could potentially become someone to venture out on a date with, most of them said online was the way to go.

Having always been a somewhat reserved relationship person, I was considerably irked by the idea of putting myself out there in such a public fashion. I'm old fashioned and would rather meet someone the conventional way. That was until I realised that no such thing exists.

I have identified a flaw in the online dating arena. Well for me anyway. Allow me to explain....

Last week I went on my first "date" with someone I'd made contact with online. All was going fine until I laid eyes on him and he wasn't in fact 6'0 as stated on his "profile", he was 5'10 at best. The reason I know this is that I'm 5'8 and have a complex about dating men shorter than me, which makes me acutely aware of their height and their proportionate height to mine when I have heels on (a problem that was bred from an early growth spurt in primary school that left me taller than all of the boys, upon reaching high school I felt more normal but the memory has unfortunately scarred me for life). So a bit of a deal breaker for me is if I end up taller than them in heels. Shallow yes, but deal with it and let's move on.

So that was a bit of a downer up front. The second issue I had was the type of conversation that ensued. It's safe to say that this type of conversation is not regular for a "first date" scenario. Talking up front about what you want from a relationship is a little premature when you are only learning someone's last name don't you think?

I found myself talking about things and having him answer with "me too". He will now be known as "me too man". Presumption was a huge issue for me. He wreaked of it. It was like because I was on a dating site that I was desperate to settle down which is a serious assumption and definitely a wrong one to make on many levels in my opinion. I don't choose to settle down and then go out and find someone. My brain functions in the sense that I will find someone that I believe is worthy of my attention and love and if it heads in the right direction I may indeed decide to settle down with them. Some guys on this site are clearly going down the settle down, then find someone route.

After a couple of casual drinks, the next worrying portion of my evening was spent in a pretty classy restaurant. Now I'm not a fancy person, I like nice things (often the expensive variety yes) but when it comes to dining I'm not that well versed in the fine experience. Not saying I haven't been to nice restaurants because I have, but generally I spend time eating in more casual establishments unless it's a special occasion.

So here I found myself in a very nice restaurant with "me too man" wearing a maxi dress and thongs. Hardly feeling at home now am I? He proceeded to tell me to have whatever I wanted which is nice I guess but only added to my uneasiness.

The whole time I couldn't figure out if I was even attracted to him or not and clearly he thought everything was going swimmingly. He was one of those "great on paper" type guys, very stable career, multiple properties under his belt and driving an above average car. None of which impressed me greatly, especially when he praised the fact that I don't have any of the above (except the stable job part) because that would make him feel uncomfortable because he wants to be "the provider" in a relationship.

Um, excuse me?! "The provider"?!?! Geezus, we just met!! How about you tell me what high school you went to and what your favourite movie is before you start explaining your somewhat warped sense of traditional values that leads you to answer my immediate question of "you would hate it if I earned more money than you wouldn't you?" with a resounding and wholehearted "YES". We're living in the 21st century aren't we? Yes? Ok, just checking.

After spending roughly 4 hours with this guy, he offered to walk me to my car and the whole time all I could think was "if I put heels on, I would totally be taller than you". Not quite right was it? I was however, not prepared to write him off and was considering a second date to give him a chance. That was until about 3pm the next day when a MASSIVE bunch of flowers landed on my desk with a card from him saying "Dinner, Yes, No, Maybe, Love (insert name here)"

Now once I got over the fact that the flowers belonged to me, the entire office appeared to congregate around my desk asking questions. As many of them knew I am online and knew of my date from the weekend, I was greeted by differing opinions. Stalker, cute, a little odd and definitely full on come to mind as some of them.

At this point I had a flashback to the night before when I found myself talking about how it's important to be thoughtful in a relationship and how I had never had a boyfriend send flowers (or anything in fact) to me at work or otherwise.

That wasn't an open invitation. It was a little piece of information he could have pocketed and then pulled out a few months down the track if we were still seeing each other. Him? No. Let's do it the very next day shall we? Freaked out much? Yeah kinda.

After heading to a trusting ear straight from work to debrief over the whole situation, I found myself asking whether I was even attracted to him. No doubt about it the flowers warranted a phone call, and I was dreading it. Hardly a good sign.

When I did finally call on the way home, I explained that the flowers had felt a little scary and why so. His reaction to this was less than desirable when he proceeded to tell me that he thought it would be funny to send them to me at work and "embarrass me". I wasn't laughing. I'm still not.

Suffice to say "me too man" hasn't scored a second date despite him thinking we "hit it off". My hopes for online dating and my theory about how men decide to settle down and then find someone remotely interested in doing so were confirmed the night after when another guy chatting to me online explained that he wanted kids in 3 to 4 years....

I'm sorry, and your last name is????

xo

Most days....

I appear to be teetering on the edge. On the edge of what? I hear you ask. On the edge of loneliness... Sometimes.

There are good and not so good things that you feel after going through a divorce, the extremity of these feelings I'm sure is probably proportionate to how difficult the end of your relationship was, but maybe it's not. Maybe that has nothing to do with it, maybe I'm stumped. There's a thought, me lost for words. Doesn't happen often.

I read a book over the weekend and I loved it, it was a personal insight into the sometimes very difficult personal challenges of one particular woman a lot of which revolved around the birth of her children and any related complications both emotional and physical. I loved it right up until the last few pages right around the time the author was talking about her friends and their difficulty conceiving. It was the sentence where she spoke of some friends of hers who would have made fantastic mothers and who wanted to be mothers but they never found the right partner.

As I said, good things about having just gone through a divorce are that yes, the world is my oyster and I can do what I want and not have to consider anyone else blah blah blah. Thinking of these things makes me feel great, I just started working in a job I love, working for a company I feel very at home at and gaining more and more independence by the day. This is good, great even.

I'm 29 in a few months which by a lot of people's standards (usually people older than that) is young. But is it? Really? 29 is not 21. That's a fact. I'm not saying I'm ooooold, in a whiny kind of way but it does on occasion worry me. As written above it was one of the last comments in this book that I read that made me feel this worry more intensely.

The thing about marriage for me was that I felt guaranteed. I had a guaranteed flatmate. A guaranteed father to my children. A guaranteed person to watch me fall over, laugh at me, then help me up and whisper "don't worry, I still love you". Now after divorce it's anyone's game. It's the "what if?" game and it sucks.

What if I don't find someone else? What if I get to be in my late thirties and I haven't found someone to share my life with and have children with? What if I end up alone?

So many questions and none of them pleasant. THAT'S the downside of divorce. I'm an independent person, in a relationship I don't cling, I'm a firm advocate of the boy's nights out and visa versa. I like to have space and a night (or two) at home alone to paint my nails and watch Sex and the City alone with a glass of wine. The idea of doing this forever? Or because I haven't chosen it but it's the only option available sometimes? Not so fun.

It's easy to say to someone "don't worry, you'll find someone" but the people usually saying that are the ones already in a relationship. They can say that because it's not them. As illustrated by the comment at the end of my book over the weekend, it doesn't happen for everyone.

I don't want to sound like a pessimist because anyone that knows me knows that I'm not that way inclined. I like to look on the bright side of things and see the glass as half full and look towards the future with an open heart and an open mind but that doesn't mean I don't get scared.

I am scared. Not all the time, it comes and goes. But it's there. Lurking. Ready to attack me when I feel vulnerable and already a little bit sad about things. It takes a lot of will power to push the sad thoughts out of my mind and just try to smile and carry on.

I think I do a pretty good job of it. Most days.....

xo

A fresh start

Hi everyone. So I'm new to blogging and I'm new to being divorced so I thought why not combine the two of them and see if it is a) of interest to anyone but me and b) a helpful insight for other people going through a similar experience.

As of last Thursday I am in fact divorced. My name was read out in court and in approximately 3-5 minutes (or so it said on the application, I wasn't actually there) my divorce was granted.
This marks the end of what has been a particularly challenging chapter of my life but it also signals the beginning of what I feel is going to be a very exciting time.

If you believe or know anything about Astrology, you might be familiar with "Saturn returns" it took me awhile to realise that I was being dealt a particularly difficult bout of Saturn returning however once I did I saw that light was at the end of the tunnel and true to form a little more than 2 years after the significant difficulties started, they ended. With divorce.

I'm not ashamed of the fact that I'm 28 and now divorced. Since I split with my husband (sorry now ex-husband) I have been quite open with friends and others about the status of my situation. For people who know me, they know I did not take the decision lightly and know that it took a lot of guts to cash in my chips and walk away.

To those who don't know me so well, I find it concerning that it could be easy for people to judge me and how I came to be a 20-something divorcée. Although divorce is common in today's society there can still be a stigma attached to it that implies you didn't "try hard enough" to fix what it was that was broken (especially for someone my age) or didn't "put enough thought into it" before you decided to put on the dress and go trotting up the aisle.

Both of these assumptions in my case and I'm sure in a lot of cases are incorrect. Please don't mistake my writing about this as me trying to justify my decisions to the wider public, I'm simply making an observation based on some reactions I've endured when telling people my marriage had faltered.

I was one of those people who only intended on getting married once. It took me awhile to get my head around the fact that my life might not turn out like that. I'm not bitter nor twisted but hopeful that I may still find someone that will be happy to spend their life with me and if I do find that person, I might get married again. I'm not opposed to the idea however I also don't spend my days thinking about what my (next) wedding will be like.

I used to think that love was enough, I've since realised that you need more than that. Loving someone involves putting yourself out there and taking a risk, and if I'm honest I'm glad I played my hand. Had I not, then I may still be single now wondering what would have happened if I hadn't followed my tall, dark and handsome home grown British boy back to the UK 3 years ago. I'm happy to say that I know what happened and although I didn't expect it to bring me here, I'm a more well rounded person for having been through it and I definitely don't have regrets.

Divorce is a process, something you go through. Whether you ever completely get over it, I'm not sure but the one thing I am certain of is you can't do it alone. I am very lucky to say I have an amazing array of friends who over the last 18 months, have scraped me off the floor and helped put me back together and for them I am eternally grateful. I also have one of the most supportive parents there are in my Mum, someone who has been a pillar of strength, who never forces opinion and who manages the balance of the parent/friend relationship better than anyone I know.

I look forward to this new "journey" (reality tv has really ruined the true meaning of that word hasn't it?!) ahead of me and hope you might have a giggle along the way with me.

xo