There are good and not so good things that you feel after going through a divorce, the extremity of these feelings I'm sure is probably proportionate to how difficult the end of your relationship was, but maybe it's not. Maybe that has nothing to do with it, maybe I'm stumped. There's a thought, me lost for words. Doesn't happen often.
I read a book over the weekend and I loved it, it was a personal insight into the sometimes very difficult personal challenges of one particular woman a lot of which revolved around the birth of her children and any related complications both emotional and physical. I loved it right up until the last few pages right around the time the author was talking about her friends and their difficulty conceiving. It was the sentence where she spoke of some friends of hers who would have made fantastic mothers and who wanted to be mothers but they never found the right partner.
As I said, good things about having just gone through a divorce are that yes, the world is my oyster and I can do what I want and not have to consider anyone else blah blah blah. Thinking of these things makes me feel great, I just started working in a job I love, working for a company I feel very at home at and gaining more and more independence by the day. This is good, great even.
I'm 29 in a few months which by a lot of people's standards (usually people older than that) is young. But is it? Really? 29 is not 21. That's a fact. I'm not saying I'm ooooold, in a whiny kind of way but it does on occasion worry me. As written above it was one of the last comments in this book that I read that made me feel this worry more intensely.
The thing about marriage for me was that I felt guaranteed. I had a guaranteed flatmate. A guaranteed father to my children. A guaranteed person to watch me fall over, laugh at me, then help me up and whisper "don't worry, I still love you". Now after divorce it's anyone's game. It's the "what if?" game and it sucks.
What if I don't find someone else? What if I get to be in my late thirties and I haven't found someone to share my life with and have children with? What if I end up alone?
So many questions and none of them pleasant. THAT'S the downside of divorce. I'm an independent person, in a relationship I don't cling, I'm a firm advocate of the boy's nights out and visa versa. I like to have space and a night (or two) at home alone to paint my nails and watch Sex and the City alone with a glass of wine. The idea of doing this forever? Or because I haven't chosen it but it's the only option available sometimes? Not so fun.
It's easy to say to someone "don't worry, you'll find someone" but the people usually saying that are the ones already in a relationship. They can say that because it's not them. As illustrated by the comment at the end of my book over the weekend, it doesn't happen for everyone.
I don't want to sound like a pessimist because anyone that knows me knows that I'm not that way inclined. I like to look on the bright side of things and see the glass as half full and look towards the future with an open heart and an open mind but that doesn't mean I don't get scared.
I am scared. Not all the time, it comes and goes. But it's there. Lurking. Ready to attack me when I feel vulnerable and already a little bit sad about things. It takes a lot of will power to push the sad thoughts out of my mind and just try to smile and carry on.
I think I do a pretty good job of it. Most days.....
xo
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