New Year Resolutions

New Year resolutions are never a good idea. As soon as you say them out loud you are dooming yourself to do the opposite. Last year was an interesting one. Divorce, new career and some people who had previously been missing from my life made a much welcomed reappearance. I'm hoping this year will be even more amazing for me.

It's going to be a big year. Friends keep telling me to stop talking about the fact that I turn the big 3.0 but I don't talk about it because I'm afraid of it, I think I'm looking forward to celebrating it. I've learned so much over the last decade none of which I would want to change, and the lessons I've learned I put into practice every single day. It's a good thing.

From a divorce I've slowly made my way back to a really great place and I have strong family and friends to thank for that. It hasn't been easy but in a couple of weeks I am completing the last piece of my short term puzzle and I'm sincerely excited about it. As I've talked about here before, I'm a planner. I'm comfortable planning. It's never been a bad thing for me. I respond well to boundaries and even if my plans change I like to have one.

One thing I know not to plan for is relationships. Of all kinds. I got married. It didn't work out. This happens to a lot of people. They're an exhausting thing, relationships. When it comes to the variety of relationships with men, I'm tired of thinking about them. I'm tired of thinking about the one I had that didn't work out. I'm tired of thinking about the one I want to be in that doesn't exist. And I'm tired of thinking about the one I might have been lucky enough to find myself in if I had the right timing at the moment, but I don't.

The thing I'm coming to learn about myself is that I have incredibly poor timing when it comes to men. You can't get better at that. It isn't something you plan for, it's more like flying through the window of opportunity at exactly the right time by accident. Unfortunately I've managed to fly straight into it right after it closes in recent years. And it hurts. Kind of like when you see a bird fly into a plate glass door and you hear it crack it's beak? Like that.

But I'm not going to worry about it anymore. Although I said earlier here that you can't tell someone what your resolutions are because you're dooming yourself to fail, I'm stating mine here. I'm not going to think about relationships anymore. I have enough going on outside of them in the rest of my life that to continue thinking about them all the time is too time consuming and mentally all encompassing. So I stop.

Plus when you do that nothing ever happens anyway, it's like watching the kettle waiting for it to boil. I never thought I would be in the position that I'm in at the age that I am. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it really. I sometimes ask myself why my personal life wasn't more simple, or neat and tidy. Then I think about other people I know who's lives seem all simple and neat and tidy when what they are is comfortable, complacent and indifferent. I'm happier where I am rather than being in that kind of situation.

So for 2011, I wish myself courage, strength and opportunity. I want to take on the world and win. There's no reason why I can't, so I figure I'm going to damn well try.

And I'm looking forward to it.

xo

Scar Tissue

Without intending to reference a Chilli Peppers anthem I find the title of this post to be an apt description of my thought process at the moment.

Things are going pretty well for me in general. Work is fantastic, I just bought myself a new car, I have some great friends and family, I'm getting fab grades at college and I'm close to paying off debts that have plagued me for a number of years enabling me to move house. So why do I still feel melancholy?

Without meaning to sound "bahumbug" about life, I'm tired of hearing about other people's happiness. Sounds really bitter doesn't it? Why is that? Naturally when great things happen to people they tell each other, and everyone else within earshot. With Facebook and Twitter having become a part of the everyday life, it's a fact that people will also use these platforms to spruik their happiness - so everyone hears about it. Daily.

Which is great, for them. The only downside of this for me is that with every new engagement, pregnancy, new house, or wedding announcement, comes a wave of sadness at what I don't have. Don't get me wrong, I'm supremely excited for these friends who have such exciting times ahead or at the moment, and I'm the first person to shout my support or congratulations to them - and it's genuine. I don't begrudge other people's happiness. I don't think it's jealousy either, it just makes me feel sad for the things that I don't yet have in my life that I hope to have one day. Sounds like jealousy. Hmmm.

Why does that happen when there are so many parts of my life right now that are so great and that I'm grateful for? The answer? Scar Tissue. It's something that once it's there, it will remain there forever. It comes in many forms, broken bones and ligaments, or broken hearts and feelings. Whatever the initial pain, the scar tissue is always there leaving that part of yourself more vulnerable than the rest.

Which begs the question do we ever really heal completely? Quite possibly not. But hopefully we evolve and move forward and grow. Would I have so much trouble moving on from the ex if I didn't marry him and allow myself to envisage my future so vividly with him? Maybe. Will I ever know? Nup. Frustrating? Absolutely.

That's the worst part of living with scar tissue. You know that you've almost healed as much as you can from something on your own and now you need something else to assist you. Only you don't know what or who that thing is until it appears. You can't look for it because it's not something you find, it just is the thing when it is. You can't search for something you don't know about.

The past is a nice place to visit but you wouldn't want to live there. It's better to look forward and try actively to head in that direction, even if your car stalls a little on the way there.

Lucky for me I just bought a brand new one, so hopefully my episodes of stalling are few and far between from here on in...

xo

Dating diaries....

New age dating. Something I'm still getting my head around. Especially the online version. Having spoken to a large number of people about the difficulties associated with meeting people that could potentially become someone to venture out on a date with, most of them said online was the way to go.

Having always been a somewhat reserved relationship person, I was considerably irked by the idea of putting myself out there in such a public fashion. I'm old fashioned and would rather meet someone the conventional way. That was until I realised that no such thing exists.

I have identified a flaw in the online dating arena. Well for me anyway. Allow me to explain....

Last week I went on my first "date" with someone I'd made contact with online. All was going fine until I laid eyes on him and he wasn't in fact 6'0 as stated on his "profile", he was 5'10 at best. The reason I know this is that I'm 5'8 and have a complex about dating men shorter than me, which makes me acutely aware of their height and their proportionate height to mine when I have heels on (a problem that was bred from an early growth spurt in primary school that left me taller than all of the boys, upon reaching high school I felt more normal but the memory has unfortunately scarred me for life). So a bit of a deal breaker for me is if I end up taller than them in heels. Shallow yes, but deal with it and let's move on.

So that was a bit of a downer up front. The second issue I had was the type of conversation that ensued. It's safe to say that this type of conversation is not regular for a "first date" scenario. Talking up front about what you want from a relationship is a little premature when you are only learning someone's last name don't you think?

I found myself talking about things and having him answer with "me too". He will now be known as "me too man". Presumption was a huge issue for me. He wreaked of it. It was like because I was on a dating site that I was desperate to settle down which is a serious assumption and definitely a wrong one to make on many levels in my opinion. I don't choose to settle down and then go out and find someone. My brain functions in the sense that I will find someone that I believe is worthy of my attention and love and if it heads in the right direction I may indeed decide to settle down with them. Some guys on this site are clearly going down the settle down, then find someone route.

After a couple of casual drinks, the next worrying portion of my evening was spent in a pretty classy restaurant. Now I'm not a fancy person, I like nice things (often the expensive variety yes) but when it comes to dining I'm not that well versed in the fine experience. Not saying I haven't been to nice restaurants because I have, but generally I spend time eating in more casual establishments unless it's a special occasion.

So here I found myself in a very nice restaurant with "me too man" wearing a maxi dress and thongs. Hardly feeling at home now am I? He proceeded to tell me to have whatever I wanted which is nice I guess but only added to my uneasiness.

The whole time I couldn't figure out if I was even attracted to him or not and clearly he thought everything was going swimmingly. He was one of those "great on paper" type guys, very stable career, multiple properties under his belt and driving an above average car. None of which impressed me greatly, especially when he praised the fact that I don't have any of the above (except the stable job part) because that would make him feel uncomfortable because he wants to be "the provider" in a relationship.

Um, excuse me?! "The provider"?!?! Geezus, we just met!! How about you tell me what high school you went to and what your favourite movie is before you start explaining your somewhat warped sense of traditional values that leads you to answer my immediate question of "you would hate it if I earned more money than you wouldn't you?" with a resounding and wholehearted "YES". We're living in the 21st century aren't we? Yes? Ok, just checking.

After spending roughly 4 hours with this guy, he offered to walk me to my car and the whole time all I could think was "if I put heels on, I would totally be taller than you". Not quite right was it? I was however, not prepared to write him off and was considering a second date to give him a chance. That was until about 3pm the next day when a MASSIVE bunch of flowers landed on my desk with a card from him saying "Dinner, Yes, No, Maybe, Love (insert name here)"

Now once I got over the fact that the flowers belonged to me, the entire office appeared to congregate around my desk asking questions. As many of them knew I am online and knew of my date from the weekend, I was greeted by differing opinions. Stalker, cute, a little odd and definitely full on come to mind as some of them.

At this point I had a flashback to the night before when I found myself talking about how it's important to be thoughtful in a relationship and how I had never had a boyfriend send flowers (or anything in fact) to me at work or otherwise.

That wasn't an open invitation. It was a little piece of information he could have pocketed and then pulled out a few months down the track if we were still seeing each other. Him? No. Let's do it the very next day shall we? Freaked out much? Yeah kinda.

After heading to a trusting ear straight from work to debrief over the whole situation, I found myself asking whether I was even attracted to him. No doubt about it the flowers warranted a phone call, and I was dreading it. Hardly a good sign.

When I did finally call on the way home, I explained that the flowers had felt a little scary and why so. His reaction to this was less than desirable when he proceeded to tell me that he thought it would be funny to send them to me at work and "embarrass me". I wasn't laughing. I'm still not.

Suffice to say "me too man" hasn't scored a second date despite him thinking we "hit it off". My hopes for online dating and my theory about how men decide to settle down and then find someone remotely interested in doing so were confirmed the night after when another guy chatting to me online explained that he wanted kids in 3 to 4 years....

I'm sorry, and your last name is????

xo

The Point of No Return...

So, in the interests of continuing my newfound fitness regime I have endeavoured to begin Pilates. In doing so I have dragged an old friend along for the ride (thanks Loz). The studio was recommended by another friend of mine who stated that Pilates would in fact "suck it all in" described to me while I chatted on the way home one evening.

Who could ignore such a compelling argument for looking good? I had been trying to figure out what to use my "Personal Development Bonus" for from work (a nice little wad of $$ we get each year to ensure work-life balance) so after this conversation it appeared I had found somewhere to spend my kesh.

We began the first class of a 5 week block tonight and suffice to say we are now both afraid to go to sleep for fear of the intense pain we are destined to feel upon waking. I worry that after the way I walked around the office 2 weeks ago following my first game of netball in 16 years, my new work mates are going to question my extra curricular activities a little more thoroughly.

What's more concerning is the fact that it says on the website that "the classes will increase in intensity over the 5 week period." Let me tell you, if it was any more intense than it was tonight my legs would have quite happily removed themselves from my body and trotted out of the class on their own.

So this need to "suck it all in" is what I would like to focus on for a minute. Just when exactly did this become a concern? As it happens this same friend who has recommended the Pilates is also the same friend who preached to me at the ripe old age of 23 that "once you hit 25 darling, it all goes downhill from there."

As a nicely toned and fit soon to be retired dancer at the age of 23 I simply laughed it off and thought "ah I'll be fine."

Now about to enter my 29th year I feel somewhat differently. Given that I'm now 11 years out of high school I think I'm not doing too badly in the grand scheme of things, however I used to be able to shift a kilo or two simply my adjusting my diet. I used to be able to make a change and stick to it (at least for a little while), whereas now, I struggle to say no to things. I keep thinking "I'll start tomorrow" or "just this one thing won't make the difference," but the problem is this is becoming a regular occurrence.

I think I was lucky in my last job in that I did a lot of extra walking, but now I don't do much walking at all and it really appears to be making a difference.

Now I have a theory, you know how a few years can go by and someone who was once really tiny is all of a sudden eligible for the next series of The Biggest Loser? Well my theory is that they ignored "the point of no return."

"The point of no return" is when you know you've put on a few kilos but instead of doing something about it, you live in denial and continue thinking you can carry on like you have been and it will all just be fine. Well I kinda feel like I'm at this point now and so I'm choosing to do something about it. But it's a struggle. With already working long hours, studying, and trying to get out and be social, exercising is really just a pain in the ass sometimes (well most of the time and in more ways than one, who am I kidding?).

It does make you feel good though, it makes you want to eat better, helps you sleep better and generally makes you feel good about yourself.

The latter part of that last sentence is what is most important to me. It makes me feel good and oddly independent which is unexpected but a pleasant side effect.

I'm not at all saying I'm overweight but I have noticed that to stay looking good it's going to be a bit more of an effort from here on in. So to all you under 25'vers out there enjoy your fast metabolisms while they last, had I known it wouldn't last I probably would have enjoyed mine a little more.

So now I'm off to bed, with that ominous feeling of guaranteed agony in the morning. Here's hoping the pain will stop me walking to the bikkie jar at work...

xo

Off Balance

I know I've mentioned before that after leaving a relationship you can be overcome with feelings in the most unexpected of places. I have to say that even though I'm aware of this, it always manages to surprise me.

My life has taken a huge turn in the last couple of months. Since my divorce went to court, I started a new job and a new career in the hope that it would make a real difference to how I live my life and essentially how I feel about my future. I'm happy to say that as far as that part of the plan, it worked!

I found an amazing company to work for, I work with great people, work on great accounts and my work weeks have now started to absolutely FLY by. I have more time to catch up with friends and as a result my social calendar has at least doubled in size. It's a great thing (apart from my concern that I may indeed age very quickly!), I really feel l like I'm in a great position and look forward to the future.

Part of my plan was to get fit, and look great in the hope that it will only further enhance my feelings of happiness. I joined a gym a couple of months ago and have managed to get there much more often than any other gym membership I've had so that was a pleasant surprise. Along with this a friend of mine asked me to join an indoor netball team. Great! I thought, I've been wanting to get back into playing a team sport for aaaaaages.

It was something I would have liked to have done while living overseas however not being from where I lived and with very little help from Rich (much as I asked for it) I struggled to know where to go. This team fell nicely into my lap so it was an easy decision to say yes. I haven't played netball in 16 years, pretty much since I got to high school and discovered basketball where you could run with the ball and rip it out of your opponent's hands which seemed way more fun.

Anyway so it had been 16 years since my last game and I wondered before we started if I would remember the rules. I'm pleased to say that I did. Another thing that happened though was a little more disappointing. I'm an avid watcher of sports, with my ex I was known to get up in the middle of the night to watch a boxing match, and I have always really enjoyed watching any previous partners play team or solo sports.

Given my performance history, who would think I was a show pony?! As everyone started to arrive last night it occurred to me that at my last game of a team sport it was probably my Mum watching, and as boyfriends accompanied their girlfriends on my team I felt really really sad. Coming to watch me play netball would have been something that Rich would have genuinely loved. The thought made me really really miss him. And the life we would have had here together.

For the first time in awhile. I've gotten pretty good now at blocking out my previous plans with him and focusing on my new solo endeavours but like I said earlier, sometimes a really sharp lonely feeling will hit you so hard it's enough to make you feel off balance. I certainly don't begrudge my friends their loving boyfriends but I guess seeing them come along to support them only reminds me of how I'm on my own again and how there's no one there for me, just because they love me.

The feeling doesn't last forever but it's enough to knock the wind out of you, or was that me gasping for breath showing my supreme unfitness at my first game of sport in a good long decade?

Here's hoping sometime soon me, and my team, start winning.

xo

True or false: Men are retards?

So, after writing this blog for a little while it has come to my attention just how many people are in my position. Or a worse position.

I have over the last few weeks, heard some of the most horrendous break up stories I think I've ever heard and most of them involve the man having no balls. Why is that? Why is it that men can't seem to just own their feelings and share them in a way that means you can leave a relationship with some dignity?

Honestly, the stories I've heard make me feel like what I went through was a walk in the park. I admire other women out there who deal with such horrible circumstances with such grace and self poise. I know in some of my previous relationships I haven't been quite so much that way....

It begs the question, how do you identify a decent man sometimes? I know love is a risk but once you get to be in my position after having been in a few relationships over the years, you get tired of dealing with a man's bullshite.

More to the point, how are you supposed to meet men these days? In the 18 months since I've been back from the UK I haven't been asked out on a single date. Granted, for a lot of that time I wasn't in the right frame of mind and I wouldn't have wanted to go even if I was asked. As per one of my previous posts I am indeed very happy on my own however if I was asked out now by someone of interest I would likely say yes.

After venturing back out into the Sydney social scene over the last few months it has come to my attention just how many dickheads there are moronically trying to pick up women like a bunch of retards. I came across this again last night. I was out with a couple of girlfriends for a friend's birthday and the bar appeared to be full of bogans that had no idea how to have a grown up conversation with a woman.

As we were accosted by the same guy for the 2nd time (he'd already had a go at chatting me up on the way back from the Ladies and also tried it on with my friend at the bar) my friend asked him "do you know Natalie Bassingthwaite on So You Think You Can Dance? What's she like?" and when he replied "Awkward" my friend then pointed at him to let him know that was exactly what he was.

She then went on to inform him that he should try this "Hi, my name is XXX. Can I buy you a drink?" It was at that point that I began to wonder how men can think that sidling up to a bunch of girls in a bar, drunk as you like and talking absolute crap at them, can lead to anything other than a roll of their eyes and if their lucky instead of complete ignorance they'll be granted a polite "you can leave now."

The problem with dressing up and going out looking fabulous (as we clearly did last night) is that you don't attract the decent guys, you attract the morons who like to punch above their weight and think they have nothing to lose so try to get your attention with really bad pick up lines and idiotic conversation.

Another fantastic example last night was when this same friend who pointed out the awkwardness of the first individual, had a great conversation that went like this:

My friend: "Excuse me" (as she tried to pass him with a handful of drinks)

Dickhead #2: "What? Did you fart?"

Um SERIOUSLY?! Are we 10 years old? Fark me, if that's the kind of conversation I can look forward to having in bars in the future I might as well stay home and eat chocolate in my Pjs getting on it on my own with a good bottle of wine....

Until next time....

xo

Lonely Mondays (and Tuesdays and....)

This past weekend, I woke up feeling lonely. For no particular reason, the day was no different from any other it was just a feeling I had. Some people would say go out and find some friends to hang out with or get out and do something but when I feel like this it tends to be the opposite. I like to retreat into my bubble and wait for the feeling to pass. It does. Eventually.

While in this bubble of mine on the weekend I did what any normal woman would, I indulged in retail therapy. Half of it was pre-meditated, the other half not so much. I bought the most expensive watch I've ever bought in my life, and a custom made couch for a house I don't yet live in. Interesting.

I had a thought process with the watch. Firstly I hate cheap looking watches. When it comes to accessories, I'm not the kind of person who has eight pairs of cheap sunnies and five handbags I switch between depending on my chosen outfit. I buy one pair of expensive sunnies every 2-3 seasons, I spend money on one handbag that I'll use for a couple of years (my current bag is almost 3 years in) and likewise with watches. However, the watch I currently have was in fact a wedding present from my ex-husband. It was engraved. It was sentimental. It was time for it to go.

In moving on, keeping sentimental items like that I don't feel is wise. I should re-phrase, wearing not keeping. I shall no doubt keep my old watch just not wear it. It will go into the box along with all things wedding (invitations, photos, hen's day mementos and the like) and there it shall stay.

It will come as no surprise to most of my friends that I have decided to mark my new life with an extravagant purchase, I like nice things. Always have. Always will. That's the charm of me.

In doing this, I was taking advice from a friend who had recently said to me that I should buy something just for me. I feel like I earned it, plus it was on sale. Which when spending that amount of money on a Swiss watch, does in fact "save" me hundreds. I was excited once I'd handed over the credit card but I didn't quite feel the same sense of euphoria I normally feel at such a pleasant dose of retail therapy, and I'm not sure why.

My melancholy feeling carried over to Sunday. It kind of felt like a hangover you can't shake off. I decided to accompany my Mum to a homemaker super centre to help her look at rugs, as I hadn't been to this particular place before I was quite looking forward to it. I love homewares, I think partly because I've never really had my own place. I've always lived in other people's houses with other people's things and I yearn for a place to call my own.

So a few months ago while furniture shopping with a friend I came across a fantastic daybed style couch in Freedom. It was on sale but I did my best to ignore it as I had nowhere to put it and no prospect in the near future of that ever changing. I went looking for it in Freedom on just so I could show it to Mum and see what she thought. I never expected for it to be on sale again. But it was. So were the custom fabrics. That, combined with the fact that they said they could "push out the delivery time" to allow for the fact that I didn't really need it just yet meant that I was an incredibly easy mark for that sales girl to reach her target that particular Sunday.

So I bought my first piece of furniture. It was exciting, and I'm really looking forward to seeing it in my house come the end of the year. But still this sad kind of lonely feeling stuck around. Until today. It still hasn't left me but it seems to be softening round the edges.

The kid I bought my watch from reminded me of my ex brother in law. Now living with a partner's sibling is trying at the best of times, but at the same time you start to think of them as you're own sibling. I'd never had a brother, and I'd always wanted one (granted I wanted an older brother, but beggars can't be choosers) and so I enjoyed having him around (until he inevitably irritated me and inconvenienced my life like true little brothers can). Seeing this kid on the weekend made me think of how when you break up with someone you often lose other relationships by default, that you would have otherwise liked to have kept.

With my ex being from the UK, we don't really have too many mutual friends, however in most relationships that isn't the case. Custody of friends during or after a break up is often a sore point for both parties and friends often get caught in the middle. I have to consider myself lucky that I don't have to deal with this like so many people do. I missed my little brother, so I sent him a message. I don't expect a reply, not because he's the type to ignore me but I know he doesn't spend much time on social networking media.

In my last post I talked of being ignored by my ex, I did in fact get a message on the day he received his divorce certificate like I knew I would. However the tone of the message felt different, there was a finality to it. It felt kind of like a goodbye.

I initially didn't write back because I was tired of essentially bashing my head against a brick wall. In that message he also told me that he's been offered a new job. Knowing how important this was to him I struggled not to send back my congratulations. I struggled until 5 days later when I sent a very simple message saying congratulations on the job to which, surprise surprise, I got no response.

I think perhaps that may be the reason for my upset. It feels like we've said some unspoken goodbye which makes me feel incredibly sad. I still miss him. Or as a friend of mine says I miss the "idea of him" not him as the person he is.

Maybe she's right, maybe she's not but I can only hope that this lonely hangover subsides as the week wears on....

xo