Absolutely.

So, today my divorce became absolute. There is no chance of a withdrawal, or being miraculously swept off my feet for a magical reunion. Not that it was expected, I know him far too well for that. These days, although we are on quite good terms now (it only took 18 months, a dictionary of swear words, crushed hopes and dreams and the postage to send the wedding ring back to get to this point), I'm lucky enough to get a return text these days as I no doubt slide further and further down the "important" people in his life list.

I'd be lying if I said this didn't hurt, it's expected I suppose but it still hurts. Truth be told I've been sliding down that slippery slope from the second I set foot on that Qantas flight back to Australia. But there's something about "hope" isn't there?

As chicks, in relationships we tend to never be able to close a door until it's inevitably closed in our face. Or is that just me? I've always had a hard time letting people go. Even if I had a large hand in walking away. I'm a planner. I like direction. I like boundaries and I respond well to them. Don't confuse this with boring because I also enjoy the idea of doing what you want, when you want depending on where your mood takes you.

I enjoyed having direction in my life with my husband. I loved making plans with him to travel and buy property and eventually start a family. It's taken me a long time to get my head around the fact that he's not coming back. It's a very confrontational thing to have someone pledge their love to you for the "rest of your life" and then a mere 7 months later have them seemingly change their mind in the most unexplainable way.

It leaves you with many questions and most of them revolving around the "why?"

What happened? What did I do? Where did it all go wrong? Are just some of the questions I asked him. And myself. And my Mum. And my friends. And also probably some poor unsuspecting strangers who happened to enter and leave my life during the past 18 months while I've been trying to figure this out. To those poor souls I apologise, to everyone else it's a small price to pay for having such a spectacular person in your life yes?

I'm happy to say that I am definitely getting there. I suppose having the divorce become "absolute" is the last slit of light in the door frame being closed off. Once the divorce is granted, it takes one month and one day to become "absolute". I presume this is just in case in the 12 months you've waited to file for divorce in the first place, you all of a sudden decide after it's been granted to change your mind.

In a way as much as I fantasised about the aforementioned magical reunion, I knew deep down that it was never going to happen. To be honest, if it did, I'm not sure I would have had the strength to say no. Before Christmas last year I actually had a moment where I offered him the opportunity to come out here to be with me. He was quite keen before he then mentioned something that completely changed my mind.

In my relationship with him, I've had a number of opportunities to let him go and I didn't. Most of my friends would say it was to my own detriment. I'm not so sure I agree, because I believe it was also to his detriment (and gain), however at this point I felt that I was in a place where I was about to once again give something up in my life to be with him and I wasn't so sure it was the best thing to do for us both. So I didn't.

I still miss him, but I know what I'm capable of so I said no.

And now I'm divorced. And I feel like I'm being ignored. I wish I was better at ignoring him back, but I'm not. Yet. Maybe one day I will. Probably when I'm ensconced in some fantastic new relationship with an impossibly good looking, incredibly secure man who wishes to plan a future with me.

But I realised on the weekend just gone that I'm reaching another milestone. I've just reached the place where I can honestly from the bottom of my heart say that I don't want to be with anyone right now. I want to be alone. I'm happy alone. I'm doing my own thing and am loving it. I love just making time to be with friends and be with myself and my family.

I have no room for a man in my life right now. I know one day I will but for now I'm just happy with myself.

It feels great.

xo

Most days....

I appear to be teetering on the edge. On the edge of what? I hear you ask. On the edge of loneliness... Sometimes.

There are good and not so good things that you feel after going through a divorce, the extremity of these feelings I'm sure is probably proportionate to how difficult the end of your relationship was, but maybe it's not. Maybe that has nothing to do with it, maybe I'm stumped. There's a thought, me lost for words. Doesn't happen often.

I read a book over the weekend and I loved it, it was a personal insight into the sometimes very difficult personal challenges of one particular woman a lot of which revolved around the birth of her children and any related complications both emotional and physical. I loved it right up until the last few pages right around the time the author was talking about her friends and their difficulty conceiving. It was the sentence where she spoke of some friends of hers who would have made fantastic mothers and who wanted to be mothers but they never found the right partner.

As I said, good things about having just gone through a divorce are that yes, the world is my oyster and I can do what I want and not have to consider anyone else blah blah blah. Thinking of these things makes me feel great, I just started working in a job I love, working for a company I feel very at home at and gaining more and more independence by the day. This is good, great even.

I'm 29 in a few months which by a lot of people's standards (usually people older than that) is young. But is it? Really? 29 is not 21. That's a fact. I'm not saying I'm ooooold, in a whiny kind of way but it does on occasion worry me. As written above it was one of the last comments in this book that I read that made me feel this worry more intensely.

The thing about marriage for me was that I felt guaranteed. I had a guaranteed flatmate. A guaranteed father to my children. A guaranteed person to watch me fall over, laugh at me, then help me up and whisper "don't worry, I still love you". Now after divorce it's anyone's game. It's the "what if?" game and it sucks.

What if I don't find someone else? What if I get to be in my late thirties and I haven't found someone to share my life with and have children with? What if I end up alone?

So many questions and none of them pleasant. THAT'S the downside of divorce. I'm an independent person, in a relationship I don't cling, I'm a firm advocate of the boy's nights out and visa versa. I like to have space and a night (or two) at home alone to paint my nails and watch Sex and the City alone with a glass of wine. The idea of doing this forever? Or because I haven't chosen it but it's the only option available sometimes? Not so fun.

It's easy to say to someone "don't worry, you'll find someone" but the people usually saying that are the ones already in a relationship. They can say that because it's not them. As illustrated by the comment at the end of my book over the weekend, it doesn't happen for everyone.

I don't want to sound like a pessimist because anyone that knows me knows that I'm not that way inclined. I like to look on the bright side of things and see the glass as half full and look towards the future with an open heart and an open mind but that doesn't mean I don't get scared.

I am scared. Not all the time, it comes and goes. But it's there. Lurking. Ready to attack me when I feel vulnerable and already a little bit sad about things. It takes a lot of will power to push the sad thoughts out of my mind and just try to smile and carry on.

I think I do a pretty good job of it. Most days.....

xo

Break = Break-up?

It's a common thing to hear among people who are going through a break-up. "We're on a break."

I was having a chat to a friend earlier this evening and we were discussing the demise of a mutual friend's relationship and the fact that when he decided to call it off he fed her some bull about them being "on a break."

This begs the question, do people ever come back from one? I racked my brains and tried to come up with a memory of when I had heard about a couple having a "break" and then getting back together and living happily ever after. Granted, sometimes couples will completely break up only to reunite years later and go on to create a mutually beneficial life together. It doesn't usually happen when someone decides they want out and they try to spoon feed their soon-to-be-ex with some story about how they just "need a break."

If someone feels the need to have a break from their relationship then chances are they aren't going to be able to fix it while the other hopes desperately everyday that they will reunite. While they try to sort through their thoughts and time ticks away with the question "have you had enough time yet?" continually ringing in their ears.

Chances are there is something fundamentally wrong that is unlikely to be fixed by a few boys/girls nights out without the other half and just being on a "break" instead of actually being invested in the relationship.

This friend I was chatting to earlier recently had this happen to her, after 6 years of commitment and planned future together he turned around and said he needed a "break."

She called me and immediately asked "seriously, what IS that? Surely a break is just a soft way of saying a break-up?!"

I replied that while I hated to admit it, I believed she was right. Nevertheless the following 6+ months that followed involved her very painfully being patient while he tried to work out what was going on in his mind all the while hoping and praying that he'll snap out of it. He didn't.

She then broke up with him. I'm sure if you're reading this then there are many of you who are thinking that it sounds familiar. Many people have their own version of the same story. I do, and I also hung around hoping that things would get better. After doing the same as my friend above I realised I was worth far more than just waiting for Mr X to decide whether or not he did in fact want to be with me. I learned from that.

Love is a risk, you put your heart out there knowing there is a possibility that others won't look after it as well as you would but it's worth it to feel what it is to love and be loved if you're lucky enough to find it.

As the age old saying says, "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

I don't presume to know everything about relationships as no-one does. I've been in a few, some good, some great and some really just not healthy. The most important thing I've learned is my self worth. I don't put up with being treated in a way less than I deserve as I give a lot in my relationships and expect the same in return. Even my ex-husband would say that I was "one of the most loving and giving people he'd ever met" but even he admitted that he didn't appear able to give me what I deserve.

It was with his realisation, that he confirmed what I already knew deep down, that it wasn't going to work.

Not all break-ups are so obvious, some of them come out of left field like my earlier mentioned friend. In this case, all I urge people to see is their own worth and to respect themselves enough to not settle for anything less....

xo

Tights aren't pants and Ugg boots aren't shoes....

Ok so I've mentioned that I'm opinionated and as my friends happen to know this I have been asked by them to state for the record my opinions on the "tights aren't pants" argument.

I agreed to do this however upon deciding this I thought it was only fair to throw in those other fashion sins I believe the general public should also not be subjected to, and the list continues to grow....

The rules of "tights aren't pants" according to me go as follows:

1. The term "tights" extends to any pair of full or partial length (remember bike pants my early 90's friends?!) item of clothing that covers the legs and involves lycra as a substantial portion of the fabric DNA whether in cotton or standard form - no exceptions.

2. Tights are only acceptable if worn with another item of clothing that at least covers your whole bottom. Whether it be a short dress, top, shirt or cardigan - DON'T think you can go half hearted on this, no-one wants to see your ass wobble when you walk.

3. Just because stores desperate to make a buck slap on a button and false pockets along with some painted seams, this DOES NOT mean that they count as "skinny jeans." This also goes for any other disastrous concoctions of tights with "embellishments" that stores come up with in an attempt to make people believe that the tights they are peddling us to buy are in fact pants. Don't be fooled.

4. Even if you are wearing a long cardigan, to wear a tight top along with the tights therefore making you look like you're wearing a unitard from the front is also not acceptable even if your ass is covered at the back!

5. Even if you're a model, you are not exempt from any of these rules.

6. If you're getting dressed and you find yourself asking the question "am I breaking the 'tights aren't pants' rule?" then chances are you need to reassess your outfit of choice and modify it for the greater good of humanity.

7. Tights as pants have one exception and one only. Either on the way directly to or from the gym, a dance class or another physical activity is fine. If you stop to run an errand on the way, tie a shirt or jumper round your waist.

Again, this is something that people may agree with me on (the smart people) and some may not. Is it bold to suggest that those who don't are the worst culprits? Probably.

There is something else I feel the need to mention as I was faced with it earlier today at a conference I was attending for work. Now I don't have children and clearly as a result of that have never been pregnant. I can imagine as a pregnant woman, stretchy pants would definitely become an essential part of said pregnant woman's wardrobe.

HOWEVER I really don't feel that pregnancy is a "get out of jail free card" for not looking in the mirror before leaving the house. If you choose to wear stretchy pants (eg: tights) as part of your comfortable fashion attire then the above rules apply. The general public should never ever be faced with what I was today.... Camel Toe. In all it's glory. So obvious that it would seriously have been hard to miss for this somewhat 6 months pregnant woman if she hadn't broken Rule # 6 above.

Another disturbing sight I was exposed to was last Wednesday evening when venturing out to watch SATC2 (woefully disappointing while I'm mentioning it) was 2 girls that appeared to attend the movie...... In their pyjamas. Not the Peter Alexander cute styley kind either.

Now, I understand it was hardly a red carpet experience what with it being at a local mall and with people sitting on the carpet in the starting line for the race for a seat that won't put a disc out by the end of the movie, and chowing down on Micky D's (them not me) while waiting for the doors to open. BUT I do feel that it was at least an occasion when perhaps jeans and trainers would have been the bare minimum for outfit selection? I don't expect Manolos but spare us the mismatched daggies you reserve for your ghastly hangover on a Sunday morning please.

I'm not saying I've never ventured out in my PJ's, while living in a small town in the UK where I didn't know anyone, I do remember an occasion where I made a quick trip to the convenience store for a late night fix of Ben & Jerry's and being awarded a compliment from the guy at the counter that went along the lines of "cute slippers!" when he spotted my Winnie the Poohs trotting around the store. Everything preceding that last comment should explain why this is an acceptable situation.

Lastly, this is one of my favourite "love to hates" - Ugg boots. Firstly so I am not mistaken, I am a fan. I've worn Uggs (not the brand "Ugg" only an idiot would spend that much on something that was made in the US when you can get genuine sheepskin for half the price that was made right here in Oz) in Winter for as long as I can remember. But like all of the above, there is a time and place.

Knee highs with skinny jeans does not equal a fashion statement. EVER. Neither does ankle uggs and a denim mini. EVER. Granted it doesn't happen as often here as it does in the UK at the moment. I was alarmed over there at the frequency of the aforementioned two outfit choices and how powerless I was to shield my eyes because they were everywhere!!

As I said, some of you may agree, many of you may not but I leave you with this: If I know you and you do any of the above and I see you, I shall not be biting my tongue for your benefit, after reading this you really should know better....

xo

Great expectations

Ok, so I didn't think I was going to post something again quite so soon however it appears that I have quite a bit to say (I can just see my friends laughing out loud at that comment).

Right now I'm happy. Really really happy. Content even. But it's taken me a long while to get here. I'm not embarrassed to admit I'm an idealist, there are things that I think should "be a certain way" (cue friends giggling again). For example, as mentioned earlier I was someone who only intended on getting married once. In light of events over the last two years I have had to make adjustments to my ideals the most poignant of which is grasping the idea that I may have more than one marriage. I'm now a statistic (never mind I became one when I tied the knot, people only ever call you one when you cut it loose) which is something to wrap your head around.

I have a dear friend, a very creative, opinionated and multi-talented friend. Who has high expectations of not only herself but of others too. It got me thinking about today and how us "Gen Y'ers" suffer from "Great Expectations." It must be noted that there is a division between those of us that find themselves among this generation but who are more than willing to work at it for as long as is needed to gain recognition, compared to those who feel they just "deserve" it. This friend of mine and myself are the former.

Patience is a virtue, it's strange to think that in some aspects of my life I am clearly the most impatient and intolerant person alive (don't get me started on crying children, in supermarkets, movies, on planes, in restaurants or just in the street - NOT a fan) when it comes to career I am more than comfortable putting in the hard yards or taking a pay cut to go in the direction I want to go. I need to walk before I can run.

The "Great Expectations" of the youth of today's society can be to their detriment if they aren't passionate enough to stick it out. This friend of mine is, as am I. I find it highly irritating to listen to young people talk like they are owed something and am even more irritated when I get lumped in with them just because I was born in 1981. Some of us actually get it.

It can be easy to become disheartened or think it's not worth it or to put pipe dreams in the "too hard basket," but if everyone did that then there wouldn't be the Steven Spielbergs and Steven Jobs' of the world (perhaps I should be looking for husband #2 with a name like Steven....) so for people like my good friend I am grateful because it is through these kind of passionate and creative souls that we can hope to inspire those who just go to work to earn a dollar without truly feeling like they are satisfied. I want to be satisfied which is why I don't settle, neither does my friend. It's a harder life to live sometimes, to not take the easy option when it can seem so appealing.

We just need to be patient and the payoff will come, maybe not right away but it will. There's a large amount of trust you have, with yourself. Trust that you know you can do something and follow it through.

Now that is satisfaction.

xo